The Strangest Banana of All

If only my work sanctioned naps

2009-09-09T19:05:00.000-07:00

My work let me spend a half day volunteering in a local garden that produces fresh food for a lot of needy families in the area; they don't have any paid staff, so the head volunteer told me and a few coworkers we'd be harvesting food (I thought, "yay!"), and then had us engage in the yucky work of stomping around in compost and raking in another layer of rotting vegetables (I saw a rotting piece

Rated R

2009-09-06T10:50:00.000-07:00

I have been having dreams of people being hacked by machetes or samurai swords for the last month, perhaps as a side effect of watching a higher than normal number of bloody movies (one of which was Alien vs Predator). Last night's specialty involved a cabin that doubled as an old, unattended church and parsonage at the top of one of the mountains on the Olympic Peninsula. For some reason, I and

The Red Eye in Caffeine

2009-06-28T01:56:00.000-07:00

With four minutes to go before 2am, the Dude sleeping on the sofa with his book still on his chest and the dog still crammed into his side, I'm still rocking and rolling with the caffeine Fiend still in my body somewhere, keeping me wiiiiiiide awake. I'm hardly complaining, though; I finished a rough draft of an article on Tamara de Lempicka that I hope'll be up soon. The Art Series should begin

Land of Poor and Deviltry

2009-02-05T20:11:00.000-08:00

DISCLAIMER: All information contained herein has been altered to protect the identity of myself, my subjects and my employer. The stories are true; the names may be changed.She sat at my desk, hands folded in her lap. I stared at the bags under her eyes, wrinkled so as to resemble dragon scales--little microscopic triangles of skin with the points hanging downward, discolored reddish-brown and

Note, Notate, Notarize

2009-01-15T19:56:00.001-08:00

I am going to be a notary in the State of Oregon.

Legally Insane

2009-01-08T21:49:00.000-08:00

I'm breaking out, I've scratched every square inch of my body, my nails are ragged (although long, for a change), I've a constant headache, and to top it off, I'm constipated. With any luck, Monday will come and go without a disaster, and Sir and I can go back to our regularly scheduled unfunny lives.I wish I were at liberty to talk about this latest slew of problems, but with one of us breaking

How the Grinch stole Thanksgiving

2008-11-18T19:23:00.000-08:00

My friends think I'm crazy. This isn't generally news, except that this particular instance of certifiable cuckoo-ness is rearing its ugly head in about a week, when Americans sit down to the standard American Thanksgiving Gorge-Fest of turkey, mashed potatoes, candied yams, butter butter butter, cream cream cream, bacon'd green beans...and the ultimate icon of the Thanksgiving Feast, the pumpkin

O for Obama, R for Right, G for Great, A for Awesome, S for Smart, M for Me, I for No "I" in "Team," C for Cool!

2008-11-05T08:00:00.000-08:00

Last night was a very emotional night for everyone, I think. The reasons one voted for their candidate aren't really my business, and I honestly believe that most people voted according to what they knew best and the research they had put into it, as well as how they believed, so the things I've overheard people saying in the last weeks, that you're stupid if you vote for So-and-So, were

(Boot*zers)

2008-10-26T15:58:00.001-07:00

On a sunny fall Sunday in college, my roomie and I used to get in the old red pickup and drive over to Moscow, Idaho to indulge in one of our favorite treats, Mexican mochas splashed with a liberal dose of cinnamon in a quaint bookstore/coffeeshop, Bucer's. Unfortunately, I can't handle cinnamon anymore except for those few devil-may-care, freewheeling, happy moments where I throw all caution to

The Fourth Animaniac

2008-10-20T21:01:00.001-07:00

Shut up. I wasn't done for the night. It so happens that when it rains, it pours, and when I want to write, I want to write.Around-abouts, oh, say, 3am, I was coming out of decent REM mode, groggily in that stage where you're finally getting your body back under control, when I caught a whiff of some awful stench. Poo, it smelled like. I came fully awake, sat straight up, and looked around in the

Mulled Spices

2008-10-20T20:30:00.000-07:00

Everyone has an Achille's heel when it comes to finances, whether that be wanton spending or an iron grip on your penny bank, and everyone has something to work on. Recently, I started working for a bank; I don't need anyone to tell me how fortunate I am to have a job in this economy, let alone one in an industry threatened by the excesses of Wall Street, and every day I see people from all walks

Contentedness

2008-10-20T20:23:00.001-07:00

Oregon. Ah, Oregon. You of the "Westward - HO!" trail fame, with your open tracts of land once up for the grabbing provided one had the pluck and fortitude to keep it. You, about whom particular conservatives sent emails to warn me about speed bumps signs that now read, "gentle speed adjusters." You, in whom one can meet over the course of a single day, more than five Christopher McCandless

It was not I who cut the cherry tree

2008-09-04T19:27:00.000-07:00

Sarah Palin has the exact degree that I have. I majored in Communications...and so did she! I should totally vote for her! Or, wait. It was University of Idaho where she got her degree, and mine came from less than 5 miles across the border...at Washington State University, where the Edward R. Murrow School of Communications, an internationally-recognized school of communications and journalism,

Gay For Today

2008-08-31T17:43:00.000-07:00

Remember the story about the man who, when out on a social call with his aging mother, was telling a story when Ma dropped her lit cigarette into her purse and Son, without batting an eye, dumped his cup of tea in, shut the purse and continued his narration?Wonder where the High Five came from?Or why the provocative Calvin Klein ads (ok, so maybe that one was easy)?How about this: who was the man

Longing...

2008-08-16T20:39:00.000-07:00

I wish...with everything I've got...that I could have a home of my own.

Ungrateful Hookers

2008-08-15T17:54:00.000-07:00

*Sir: for being alseep on the day I'm wearing my first-ever matching bra and panties. Boo.*Dr. Dre: for being in grad school doing an internship in a place that rhymes with tuna. Boo.*Brandy-You're-A-Fine-Girl: for being paid to drink scads of wine. Boo.*Sushi: for being delicious. Boo.*Honda: for making Pilots, which made me cry on the road today thinking of my momma-in-law. Boo.*Work: for being

Finding God

2008-08-09T18:37:00.000-07:00

California has redeemed itself. How could I have doubted loveliness existed in this horrible state? Shame on me; Sir and I have only just found our way home from a trip to Joshua Tree National Park, where we spent the night sleeping in our Forrester and today hiking, me in a bikini or naked, at varying times. Although I grew up in the arid desert of Washington state, I'd never experienced a true

Once a slut, always a slut

2008-07-27T16:01:00.000-07:00

Since becoming one half of a monogamous, hopefully-happily-married pair, I've been bummed that I couldn't call myself a slut anymore. An evil slut, that is. However, since observing this shirt and wishing I could wear the sexually-innuendoed version and remembering that I am, after all, married, I realized a few things.A) I stopped for lots of "snacks" and potty breaks on the way off Abstinence

Driving: Not Just a Chore

2008-07-19T12:03:00.000-07:00

And now back to our regular bitching: what the fuck is with these California drivers?I spend my mornings driving to work pondering and analyzing driving patterns, and I've come up with a list of habits that seem common to the average Cali driver, regardless of where he or she originally comes from--why that is, I don't know. I have my suspicions...Dear California Drivers,First, we have the

Love

2008-07-19T11:58:00.000-07:00

I have to do it. Again. Be sappy, that is; I'm afraid this blog is turning out to be mostly appreciation for the people around me, which is nice, I guess, but where's the spit? The fire? Oh, yeah, I expend my energy on the road and all I've got time for these days is frustration over other drivers.Carrying on: one of my favorite blog-o-sphere writers recently wrote a blog about what she wanted

Hell of a (pair of) Women

2008-07-06T12:22:00.000-07:00

I speak of my friends over at Evilslutopia.com frequently, or JezeLilith, as they're better known in my personal life when referring to both simultaneously (kind of like Sirquita, which sounds like a really exotic tequila, which I won't be having anytime soon, rum being a better friend). A while back, things in my life weren't going so awfully swell, and predictably, I fell into a bit of a

Whippoorwill says, come home, come home

2008-06-21T12:00:00.000-07:00

There is one word echoing in my skull's empty caverns, and I'm certain beginning and ending, not to mention filling up, a blog with the word AWESOME doesn't cut it as far as content goes, but I'm really tempted to sum up my trip to Seattle thusly nonetheless regardless (<--that, if my favorite college roomie, henceforth known as Dr. Dre, was reading, would be ticklesome because her boyfriend's

The cappuchino swirl

2008-06-11T07:10:00.000-07:00

Amongst my group of girlfriends, when one is panty-peeing excited, there's a word we yell [type] out: SQUEEEEEEE!!! In order for it to work properly and adequately convey the level of excitement, one adds/subtracts "E"s and exclamation points. Thus:Girlfriend: SQEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!Me: You got engaged, right?Girlfriend: SQUEE!Me: You saw a beluga whale at SeaWorld?There's also the drunken "

Evil's got style

2008-05-31T17:06:00.000-07:00

Sir has been away for a full week on job-related duties that involve boats (--ships!) and oil spills (oops). It's been a miserly week for him, so to cheer myself up I got my hair cut. My idea of taking care of my hair is usually cutting it myself and feeling proud if I get it colored once a year, so it was a daunting decision. Nevertheless, I prepared. I took in my obligatory photos of Keira

Swearin' like a sailor('s wife)

2008-05-27T10:46:00.000-07:00

Here's where I admit, after a perusal through my blog, that I swear a lot. This might offend a lot of people, but after growing up as an apologist, I've decided not to make restitutions for what I acknowledge as a possible character flaw. Certainly I'd cringe to find out my childhood pastor and his wife read my site. As dearly as I loved my pastor and his family, I realized that most of the

Protest the Protest: Stupid Protests

2008-05-27T00:23:00.000-07:00

ETA: A FEW MORE POINTSAfter looking around The Pill Kills website created by the American Life League, I wanted to put out a PSA to remind the Internet that when you're getting your information from the great World Wide Web, you gotta consider the source. Me, included. You might wonder why you should listen to me telling you what questionable content I found on their website, but here's the thing

Guess what I'm NOT doing June 7, 2008?

2008-05-26T22:49:00.000-07:00

Protest the Pill Day. Fuck that. How about a Protest the Protest the Pill Day? I'll pop a few Pills to that.

I wish I were Mary Poppins

2008-05-25T12:19:00.000-07:00

I'm experiencing a strong aversion to doing the laundry.

Eight Poops a-Poppin'

2008-05-24T19:47:00.000-07:00

Popping out for a quick, refreshing walk with the dog has never been such an emotional train wreck. Other people's dogs seem to be able to poop wherever, whenever the need arises, as evidenced by the startling frequency of stepping in poop that I do. Not one to be overly concerned with another's ability to take a well-rounded poop, nevertheless I've become entirely wound up in everything my dog

Doooooooooood

2008-05-23T15:04:00.000-07:00

Note to self: If Firefox dumps your passwords and you can't figure out why you're not logging into your favorite websites, update your Java application. Thanks, dumbass.

Vitamin C

2008-05-21T13:48:00.000-07:00

I refuse to believe that I am the only person on the planet with several neuroses involving fruit. See, once upon a time, I incurred a sinus infection whilst visiting a pernicious ex-boyfriend. Said ex lived in the basement of his mother's house well into his early 20s, so visiting him was visiting his family. His mother (make no mistake, by the way, out of the two of us, I made out with the

California Same-Sex Marriage Ban Lifted

2008-05-16T07:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday's decision by the California Supreme Court is certainly good news for same-sex couples. California's state ban on same-sex marriages was lifted on Thursday, eliciting a joyous response from people all over the state.As awesome as the news is, I'm on the edge of the edge, waiting for someone to teeter the tenuous balance of the playground see-saw into the favor of extreme conservatives,

Teenager seeks help from YouTube

2008-05-15T22:38:00.000-07:00

WARNING: YOUTUBE VIDEO IS LONG AND HEARTWRENCHINGFinding no help or answers, a 16-year-old girl from Florida turned to YouTube to find sympathetic ears. According to Jezebel, the 23-year-old who allegedly raped her was not prosecuted because the girl was a month shy of turning 16, the legal age of consent, and it turned into a case of "he said/she said."CNN's Ashley Fantz reports that with 5

Quite possibly, almost certainly, insane

2008-05-12T06:21:00.000-07:00

Good morning. May I introduce you to the latest flaw in my make-up? I'm a klutz. Somewhere between the decision to find sleep and actually finding sleep at around 11 last night, I gouged the hell out of my forehead. Imagine the dismay on Sir's face when I showed it to him; it's a right goodly owie. Woke up this morning still drunk, scrunched my face up in my usual [adorable] morning face scrunch

He-Man and She-Ra, if they weren't sibs

2008-05-09T10:17:00.000-07:00

This picture is typical of my marriage: yes, I am a spaz, and yes, he does often look at me wondering where do I get off? But however spaz-tastic I've been during the day or how irritated he is with me, at night we sit down on our sofa, usually with Ari the Doglet curled up in a dogbun at our feet, and I listen to him. He tells me many things--the state of the world, the state of his mind, the

The Reckoning

2008-05-06T13:29:00.000-07:00

It was the sixth of May when Chiquita found out the awful, awful truth. Awakening to the sort of cold morning where one wears her husband's prAna shorts and gloves, she knew something was very, very wrong. Her beloved dog had poo'ed her cage! Sighing wretchedly, Chiquita checked the doglet's paws to ascertain the safety of the floors surrounding the cage and determined it acceptable to walk

The Truth about San Diego

2008-05-03T23:27:00.000-07:00

The Reception Temperature in San Diego is pretty chilly. Don't be misled; San Diego literally is somewhere between 60 to 80 degrees Fahrenheit most of the time - I don't mean how warm it is. When it comes to how well I'm settling in and making a life for myself, well, let's just say that San Diego isn't helping. Most of the time, the above picture demonstrates quite well how I feel: lackluster

Grandma, Mom

2008-05-03T22:50:00.000-07:00

I love raspberries. The scent, the texture, the taste, has always reminded me of being a small child when squishing the berries was a simple delight. My grandmother pulling up a stool beside the stove, stirring a large pot of homemade raspberry Jell-O, the scent wafting to my nostrils; it spoke of her love for a little girl whose rapt adoration was treasured like a little token. My mother

Evil Slutopia

2008-04-24T11:16:00.000-07:00

Recently, my friends over at Evil Slutopia offered to let me write a few pieces on art history and women and bad girls in art history, which in my time of need is like letting Winnie the Pooh eat up all your honey. And guess what? Someone liked my bit about Artemisia Gentileschi! Evil Slutopia bills itself as being run by the Evil Slut Clique: Jezebel and Lilith, who like to drink lots of beer

Happy first anniversary, my love

2008-04-14T17:19:00.000-07:00

An hour ago, a year ago, a lifetime and a country's span ago, I married the love of my life and took his name because it was cooler than mine. Because I love him so much, I want to share a story that illustrates the beautiful symbiosis of our life together.In my Mr. Coffee, I brew ten cups of coffee with six heaping scoops of coffee grounds.Sometimes, before I can get my first cup, Sir fills his

I just got back from a run on a sweltering San Diego morning

2008-04-12T10:54:00.000-07:00

"Even if you can't get the stickers, just go get a temp base pass to do laundry.""I have a temporary base pass. I can do laundry for free?""Just don't get caught.""What'll happen to me if I do?""You'll get thrown into jail and get hate-fucked.""It wouldn't be a hate-fuck.""Huh?""Have you seen me lately?""I don't get it.""I'm implying that I'm too hot for it to be a hate-fuck.""As in, you're too

no, sir, I was NOT smoking the pipe

2008-03-25T19:31:00.000-07:00

Occasionally, Sir and I like to pop open a bottle of snazzy Ballatore Asti. I call it Asti Spumanti, in a fake Italian accent. We like the bubblies. It helps with our monogamous pants-dropping later. One night, Sir brought home a bottle to enjoy with some equally snazzy movies (probably something super like "Black Sheep"), and he, doing the honors for I am mildly dumb, prepared to pour us

and after she did that, I totally put on my green socks and started doing the hokey-pokey

2008-03-25T15:34:00.001-07:00

I find inspiration in others' writings and photography; this morning I found a blog in which the author freely admitted to suffering from various anxiety problems. Many blogs tend to be authored by anxiety-ridden adults; popularity of a blog seems to be directly proportionate to the severity of issues at hand. I like to think we readers find a bit of ourselves in these people, but that's sort

you say tomayto, I say tomahto

2008-03-25T15:31:00.000-07:00

Me: Your writing is poo.Sir: My writing quality is poo.Semantics; at least we agreed something stunk.

2008-02-08T12:30:00.000-08:00

Sir and I rolled into San Diego, wearily picked up our apartment keys, and crawled up the stairs to our new home on January 19, 2008. The first few days I suffered a violent case of "I hate this place" syndrome, determined not to revel in the glory that is sunshine and mild rain. It took several days before I realized that, for the first time in my life, I'd managed to escape from the clutches of

A man and his dog

2007-12-11T19:42:00.000-08:00

The first thought that came to mind when I heard the word, "Doberman" was that of a formidable, fierce animal defined by razor-like daggers for teeth and metal collars. When my husband broached the subject of purchasing a Doberman puppy soon after the death of my cat (RIP), I was leery. Somehow, I convinced myself to overlook the Doberman part and focus on the puppy part, but as we drove out to

2007-12-10T12:47:00.001-08:00

Most commonly said expression regarding pictures is that every one is worth a thousand words. Mine convey a memory, each one, sometimes more than one. This day was soon after I got my new digital Canon Elph SD500, which at the time was a little powerhouse of a camera. Painful as it is to remember that in one of my many moves over the last year I lost the charger and can't take pictures until I

salt creek cove

2007-12-05T11:22:00.000-08:00

Tucked into a cove hidden in northern Washington, is a small island. My friends and I were lucky that day to have arrived at a time when the sun was in our eyes, casting mystical shadows about. This place is heaven...chilly winds that slap the blood into your cheeks, promontories to creep out onto carefully so as to not take a misstep and fall into a tide pool in which a myriad sea life abounds