Ungrateful Hookers

*Sir: for being alseep on the day I'm wearing my first-ever matching bra and panties. Boo.

*Dr. Dre: for being in grad school doing an internship in a place that rhymes with tuna. Boo.

*Brandy-You're-A-Fine-Girl: for being paid to drink scads of wine. Boo.

*Sushi: for being delicious. Boo.

*Honda: for making Pilots, which made me cry on the road today thinking of my momma-in-law. Boo.

*Work: for being work. Die.

*Smashbox: for making a mascara that TOTALLY doesn't live up to its promise. Boo.

*Jezlil: for being across the country this weekend when we should be plotting foul deeds with Corona (and Carlos Rossi, my new boyfriend). Boo.

*My brother: for making a baby that I'm going to fall in love with against my will.

Horrible, ungrateful, slutty hookers, all of 'em. Especially my brother. Who does he think he is? Doesn't he know that every kid he has is going to squench itself into my yukky, black heart and spit out chunks of tissue to lodge themselves firmly in my chest? What's worse is that his daughter grows every single day and all that growing hurts. What am I going to do with TWO of those growing in my heart? Fuck. I have to make lists of things to teach the new one that my brother didn't think to teach the older one. Things like how to successfully blackmail Big Sis without sounding stupid.